Satire item by John W. Lillpop - Jun 12, 2011
Dear President Calderon:
As you are no doubt aware, America the Great is quickly becoming America the Gray. The so-called “boomer” generation, comprised of scores of million of Americans, will soon reach retirement age.
As they age, America’s boomers yearn for a less frantic pace—-and a lifestyle that allows one to pause and smell the roses now and again.
In other words, boomers are looking for the “Good Life” which is supposed to accrue to those who work 45 years, pay ungodly amounts in taxes, raise a family, put children through college, and baby-sit the grandchildren.
Unfortunately, the United States is no longer as hospitable as it once was to graying citizens, especially now that our economy has collapsed.
As a result, boomers have decided to move to your beloved Mexico.
Knowing that the Mexican government is a strong supporter of open borders and liberal immigration policies, as least with respect to migrations from Mexico to America, boomers anticipate that their needs and wishes will be fully accommodated with minimal interference and bureaucratic hassle.
In plain English, boomers expect to be treated like upscale Mexican citizens, with all the perks and advantages attendant thereto.
Incidentally, we prefer to be called “undocumented boomers.”
President Calderon, I am delighted to announce that just in time for summer millions of undocumented American boomers are headed to Mexico!
Current plans call for about 500,000 boomers to cross the border into Mexico each month.
As with any complex transition, there are several “ground rules” that must be followed in order to make this change seamless.
Accordingly, your attention is directed to the following:
- Mexican sovereignty, borders, and immigration laws are essentially null and void with respect to undocumented boomers. No attempt should be made to enforce said restrictions on good hearted, formerly hard working Americans.
- Undocumented boomers shall receive unlimited education, food, housing, legal assistance, and geriatric care on demand, the cost of which shall be borne solely by Mexican taxpayers.
- Mexican hospitals, medical clinics, and emergency rooms shall be obligated to meet the medical needs of all undocumented boomers, without regard to ability to pay.
- This obligation shall not be limited or restricted in any way because of any real or projected negative impact on Mexico’s medical systems, including the loss of vital services to Mexican citizens.
- Although undocumented boomers shall not be obligated to pay for medical services received, they shall be entitled to send $30-50 billion a year back to the United States with impunity. The Mexican government shall actively facilitate the transfer of such funds to America.
- English is the only language used by undocumented boomers; boomers have no desire or obligation to learn Spanish.
- America’s historic free speech, free love, and anti-war revolutions originated with activists in the boomer generation.
In keeping with the boomer tradition of aggressive activism, from time to time it may be necessary for millions of boomers to take over the streets of Mexico’s large cities in order to protest proposed new laws when the “rights” of undocumented boomers are in jeopardy.
During such protests, boomers will wave Old Glory and scream “Yes, we can!” and “We are Mexico!” in English, as they protest the rule of law.
All such activities are valid free speech expressions in a thriving Democracy. As a consequence, the Mexican government shall take no action to limit or impede protests by undocumented boomers.
- We Americans celebrate the 4th of July to commemorate our independence from Great Britain. Undocumented boomers prefer to conduct business as normal on May 5 and September 16, and to reserve the 4th of July for fireworks, BBQs, and displaying Red, White, and Blue everywhere.
- Undocumented boomers shall be licensed to drive without regard to immigration status. All driver instruction and testing materials shall be in English.
- Blood relatives of undocumented boomers shall be eligible for the same reduced tuition rates offered to Mexican students in the nation legally. Immersion for the purpose of teaching Spanish is a failed concept and shall not even be attempted.
- Undocumented boomers shall be eligible to vote in Mexican elections without any requirement to prove identity.
- Grandchildren of undocumented boomers born in Mexico shall be Mexican citizens by virtue of their birth, regardless of the immigration status of their parents and grand parents, and
- Undocumented boomers are very sensitive and are easily offended. Therefore, Mexicans shall refrain from using terms like “illegal alien,” “Red Neck,” “Cracker,“or “Gringo” when addressing or discussing boomers.
In closing, Mr. President, let me assure you that undocumented boomers will attempt to do for Mexico what 38 million Mexican illegal aliens are currently doing to America!
With best regards and wishes for a diverse and free Mexico!
John W. Lillpop is a Capitol Hill Coffee House staff writer.